Till well past my teens I had the impression that sex, and everything related to it, was dirty and sinful. For, at least three years, I resolved, on the occasion of a new year, never to masturbate again and never to watch adult films. Neither would last for more than a couple of months into the year. By late teens, I gave up on these resolutions. However, I never stopped feeling guilty for not being able to stop myself from doing an obviously “sinful” act. Given this, my understanding of gays need not be elaborated. Thanks to films, the male-female love, not sex, was a virtue always; but male-male??? No. It was not even worth considering the question. It was wrong without even thinking about it.

I was approached thrice as I recall by gays in my early 20s/late teens; once each in a bus-stand, a local train, and a bus. They touched, or tried touching, my “pee-pee” on the pretext of shaking hands or just by “accident”. I used to be very angry, or as angry as I could be in the confusion of that moment, and tried to stare them down. They used to look away, but continued trying. I moved away from that place in self-righteous indignation. How can they behave that way? How could they think like that?

Good questions. But there was never any intention of answering them. Of course, the questions were intended to be answers with no further pursuance of thought. They were guilty without a trial, or even a thought.

I remember the clumsiness of my first approaches to girls I like; to talk and later, for sex. I was clumsy, even after years of “training” from movies, books, and reality everywhere on how to approach a girl. These guys have nothing to learn from, on how to approach the person they like. I can talk to my friends about how to approach the girl I like. These guys are made to feel irredeemably guilty even for being what they are; how could they discuss their thoughts on how to approach the person they like, or even admit these thoughts to themselves? No surprise they are clumsy in their approaches. Would I be any less outraged if they approached me in a “matured” manner? I must be kidding myself.

I have my share of regrets in my life. This is one.

I regret that I wasn’t more supportive to those guys. I should have just talked and been a friend, of course if I liked them as persons. I should have told them that I have no problem with people being gays; but I am not one.

I can assert, how many ever times I want or however loud, that I don’t discriminate among people. But I know no gays (and I have only one friend from the SC/ST group).  Actions speak louder than words. Whatever I am now, I obviously did not live by certain principles that I vouch for, for a major part of my life. 

And, if those three guys come across this post, and I know there is very little chance of them knowing that I am talking about them or knowing who I am, I am just trying to say, “I am sorry, guys, that I was not a better man. I will try to think more independently and faster, and try my best to right myself for the future”.

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