“They are suspecting that you may be HIV positive?”
It did not register, probably because I was hungry. I was in my 2nd year, BE.
“So?” I smiled weakly. “What do you want me to do?”
“It is not confirmed. You will have to get a test.” The Principal was obviously trying to be concerned. But I just did not need any. “Ok. I will do that. Can I leave?”
“Yes”. When I was at the door, he said, “Let me know your test results”. I was off. I knew I couldn’t tell my parents. I was told not to tell anybody, for obvious reasons. I confided in a couple of friends. They were sad. I did not have money for the test. So I borrowed Rs.1000 from a friend. I gave a blood sample that evening. I would get the results in a week. My dad arrived from one of his work trips a couple of days later. I had to tell him about this stuff as I needed the 1000 to return to my friend. I told him, after asking him to close the door. He was devastated. In the next 3-4 days he would collect a lot of info on HIV; I remember a treatment in a Kerala ashram that claimed to cure it. The D-day arrived. I went to the hospital. I was not HIV positive.
It was never likely. I did not have sex before this, or blood transfusion/injections. But well, you never know. I told my dad. He was relieved. That evening before I left for my 1st computers class he told my mother, “your son is very tough”. After I left, he informed my mother and brother. My mother cried that night, “How could you be so happy in this situation?” I was super-jovial the whole week. I said, “Forget it. Nothing will happen now”. My brother may have been jealous. I was told not to share this with anybody. I ignored that. I was proud of this. Everybody who knew about this thought I was strong.
The doubt cropped up maybe because I may have had weak defense mechanisms. I barely had lunch those days. I was around 47 kgs and 5’ 7’’. There was a blood donation camp and those guys suspected this. Frankly, it felt great to be in that situation. As the doctor told me I will have around 10-20 years left, if I was tested positive. I had all these plans in my mind. I knew I would no longer have to go for studies/career, that I could live wherever I wanted. I thought I would go to a hill station, get a telescope, study physics (Resnick and Halliday, Irodov’s problems), Vedas and other religious works. I could be a parasite and nobody was going to make me feel bad about it. All I had to do was smile and watch people admire me. Frankly, it was easy. Once I was tested negative, I was rebound to life. I may have felt differently if I was going to die in a month. I don’t know.
It was extremely tough on my parents. They had to face relatives, support me financially, and face the pain of losing me. It was tough for my close friends. They felt extremely sad as their friend is facing such a problem. Others felt uncomfortable to be around me.
Me? I was fine. In fact, I couldn’t deny a sense of disappointment that my 10-20 year holiday in life was taken away from me. Living, probably, is a lot tougher than dying.
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This is autobiographical.
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