A chill ran down my spine. So this is how it feels, I thought. I never felt it again. It was a rope of ice pulled along my spine and held for a split second longer at the lowest point. In my numbness, I noticed the floor boy happily waving me out. I knew the psychology of his happiness. It wasn’t worth the effort to verbalize it. I was just refused the F-1 visa.

My family was bankrupt. We were staying at a relative’s place and my father was trying to restart his life growing mushrooms. He pawned all my mother’s gold to sponsor me for this. He never wanted me to leave India. I was under pressure to get married and help my father’s business. I did not want to. I needed the visa to escape that and not rebel, which my parents desperately can do without. Now, I decided that I had, no choice but, to rebel.

I told my parents that I will go back to Chennai and try for US. As for money, I said, I will take care of it. I emailed friends for help. I received over $1200*. I wasn’t surprised; I knew I was worth something, and that it was only a matter of them having the means. I found a job at a magazine. It did not cover costs. Also, Santhi graduated; based on our discussions, she stayed in Chennai to avoid pressures of marriage proposals and get to the US. She took up a job as a receptionist. With her, and my friends’, help I battled on.

The stated reason for my visa refusal was going for a second Masters. I wanted to work on physics after reaching US. If I was going for PhD I had to wait 5 years; if Masters, I had to wait 2. So, I applied for Masters again. I and Santhi met every evening/weekend. We listed universities by rank and mailed the Profs who could be interested. I bought a stove and cooked, to save money. Santhi helped in the weekends; we went to movies and the beach. At least, the beach was cheap. It was nice to have an ally in an enemy-less war.

Santhi got her visa in June even though she was going for a 2^nd Masters, I was refused again; we still joke that it was discrimination against males, maybe I could sue them J but she had partial funding. A month earlier, we decided to marry so that we can fight for our goals all our lives. Without that, this story may have ended here with my arranged marriage and joining my father’s business. She left for US. The magazine I worked for was off-market. After 2 rejections, we knew I had no chance of getting a visa unless I had a funding offer. We decided I go for a PhD to maximize my chances at funding. I re-worked 3 research papers, which Santhi sent me, to show I understood and can, at least, mimic others’ work. We sent the work to Profs who could be interested, and we waited.

Santhi sponsored me that year. Her money along with what I earned in a job surveying raw water pipes kept me going. 8 universities rejected my applications. It looked hopeless. Santhi had me apply for a lecturer job; I got it. And then, she called saying I was offered funding. In a few days, I got a 2^nd offer. I still did not dare to dream. I worked on a hope and knowledge that, whatever the result, I had to do everything I could to reach my goal.